Not knowing

I wonder if I have ever really grow up. I wonder if I stopped being a child not long ago or if I still am a child. Sometimes the way I act, the way I express myself -verbally, not written- is that of a non-grown up person. In reality, I know I am not a complete adult. There's too much immaturity in me to call myself that.

What really makes me wonder is the fact that, I don't know if I'm the one avoiding to grow up. Life's too hard, but I'm ready to face it. I want to be on my own. Still, many aspects do not allow me that. And there's another question: did I created those walls myself, or they come with being a 20something?

The truth is I have no idea and I'm making myself crazy all over this.

I need to get out. But out of where? My house? My life? My country? myself? I feel as if running is the solution. But I don't know.

I just don't know.

And that's my biggest problem. Not knowing. It scares me, it closes me, it creates this wall that separates me from the whole world. And I try to hide, just being a bitch.

Lately, I have found something good. Friends outside my own friends. Now, I love my girls to death, but sometimes I feel the need to be apart them, become my own person. I have done that.

Still...

I lost myself somewhere but I have not idea where.