Too soon or too late?

Tomorrow, graduates from my faculty are having an activity. A little get-together to kick-off the holidays. Some of my friends are going there. I'm not sure if they're friends, but they certainly feel like it. The whole point is I really, really want to go. But I feel like a failure . A lot of these people have found jobs after graduating rather fast. I'm still in the same crap I was for 2 and a half years of my 4 at college. I am not sure how they're going to react. I was always friends with the go-getters, the hard-working, the talented because that's the group I felt I belonged to. But now after almost six months of graduation, I feel like such a failure.

Still, I don't know if it's too soon to start talking about failure. Or, au contraire, it's too late and I have always been one. It certainly can't be the second. I've accomplished a lot things in my life, and I am proud of those accomplishments. Still, it can't be too soon to start talking about it.

A few weeks agos, I was flipping through a magazine. A familiar face appeared. I took once class with this girl. She was really pretty. I figure, "oh, look, she's modeling". No, she was not. She was the fashion editor of this high-profile magazine. She graduated just a year earlier.

Something's wrong. I know it's me, but I don't know what to do.

Not knowing

I wonder if I have ever really grow up. I wonder if I stopped being a child not long ago or if I still am a child. Sometimes the way I act, the way I express myself -verbally, not written- is that of a non-grown up person. In reality, I know I am not a complete adult. There's too much immaturity in me to call myself that.

What really makes me wonder is the fact that, I don't know if I'm the one avoiding to grow up. Life's too hard, but I'm ready to face it. I want to be on my own. Still, many aspects do not allow me that. And there's another question: did I created those walls myself, or they come with being a 20something?

The truth is I have no idea and I'm making myself crazy all over this.

I need to get out. But out of where? My house? My life? My country? myself? I feel as if running is the solution. But I don't know.

I just don't know.

And that's my biggest problem. Not knowing. It scares me, it closes me, it creates this wall that separates me from the whole world. And I try to hide, just being a bitch.

Lately, I have found something good. Friends outside my own friends. Now, I love my girls to death, but sometimes I feel the need to be apart them, become my own person. I have done that.

Still...

I lost myself somewhere but I have not idea where.

Could moving to another part will be the solution? Moving can sometimes be escaping from one's problem instead of solving them. But it can also be the ultimate solution.

How much is too much? How less is more than enough?

The Latin Grammy ended almost an hour ago. Didn't saw the whole show, but what I did see was good. Best perfomances : Los 12 Discipulos. I'm such a fan of reggaeton it's not even funny. I'm from the old school. I realized it whenever friends of mine only know stuff from the newer singers and I have to tell about the original stuff. What I really do not like is how reggaeton has gotten so comercial. I still love it and I will still listen to it. What worries me is this over saturation.

Same things with people. I keep thinking: call, don't call, call, don't call, call, don't call. I can't make up my mind. In those times, I rather not do it. At least not too often. Still, somethings that were measured and well-thought of can be tiring.

I'm on a quest to find the perfect job. I think that I'll have to make it work for me. How? Instead of waiting to see if they're looking for someone (they're meaning wherever I wanna go), I'll go to them. What am I going to lose? A few minutes or hours? Please, those can be lost watching TV, worse crap TV.

Wish me success....